Dedication
Two years ago, the Holy Spirit challenged me to reach out to my estranged brother Mark to resolve our long conflict. Our relationship was on the level of Jacob and Esau in the Holy Scriptures. Both of us suffered emotionally and spiritually over our war-torn-decade-old relationship.
After much soul searching and prayer, I shared this challenge of the Lord with those with whom I trust and who would unite with me in prayer.
After years of painful and at times, ugly encounters and hateful conversations, God has provided the unique setting for my brother and me to forgive and become reconciled.
In the power and sweetness of the spirit of reconciliation, I am dedicating this blog post to my brother Mark and others who are struggling with matters of unforgiveness and reconciliation.
It is my heartfelt prayer that this study will spiritually empower you and me to pursue God’s wisdom in this most important life transformational matter. Amen
Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Not the Same
Our Master clearly warned that God will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive those who sin against us [Matthew 6:15; Mark 11:25]. Truth be told, we do not earn God’s forgiveness by forgiving; instead, God expects forgiven people to forgive those who hurt or harm you and me. Matthew 18:21-35
Yet forgiveness is so much different from reconciliation. It is very possible to forgive someone without offering immediate reconciliation.
Forgiveness can occur in the context of one’s relationship with God apart from contact with one’s offender. Reconciliation is focused on restoring broken relationships. And where trust is deeply broken, restoration is a process—-sometimes, a lengthy one.
Differing from forgiveness, reconciliation is often conditioned on the attitude and actions of the offender. While its aim is the restoration of a broken relationship, those who commit significant and repeated offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. If they’re genuinely repentant, they will recognize and accept that the harm they’ve caused takes time to heal.
In many cases, even if an offender confessed his/her wrong to the one he/she hurt and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship.” The evidence of genuine forgiveness is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response (Romans 12:17-21), but not always an automatic restoration of a relationship.
Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Yes, being forgiven, restored, and trusted is an amazing experience, but it’s important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust.
Words alone are often not enough to restore trust. When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with her offender, it’s both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin.
[ Data communicated in this section: Forgiveness and Reconciliation are not the same was gleaned from the article “How to Move from Forgiveness to Reconciliation,” by, Steve Cornell].
Prayer
Father, I ask you to teach me forgiveness.
Let my life be abundant in forgiveness to those who
hurt me unknowing.
Let my life be abundant in forgiveness to those who
hurt me knowing.
As you are abundant in your forgiveness towards me,
let me shower that same forgiveness towards those around me.
As you are abundant in your love towards me,
let love roll like a stream that never dries towards those around me.
Father, the keeper of my soul, let me live with open hands,
freely forgiving.
By Rich Obrecht
The Spirituality of Reconciliation
The woundedness of the soul of individuals who are in a torn and hateful relationship can become devastating. The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression. Family estrangement activates the grief response, this is because people who have experienced this often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly.
For those who are spiritual and biblical responsible, their hope in overcoming unforgiveness with a loved one or an abuser is found in the theology of woundedness. This concept of the theology of woundedness is transformative to the faithful follower of Christ when they can see it while experiencing life pains, grief, abuse, and betrayal through the lens of the Cross.
The theology of woundedness is the spiritual manner that God has given us who are in Christ, the realistic means to cope with our human suffering on every level. To compare and relate our sufferance with that of Jesus’s passion for redeeming lost humanity grants each of us hopes and belief that we shall overcome.
To do so, an individual’s suffering is seen in the same light as the passion, death, and resurrection of Christ. Placing our wounds, pains, and brokenness within the wounds of the tortured, crucified, and now risen Christ, is not only liberated but transformative in their entire soul.
Jesus’s historic victory over the works of Satan [1 John 3:8], is the very divine blessedness from above from God which is the basis of the spirituality of reconciliation. The spirituality of reconciliation is the holistic pathway that is granted to those in Christ, aiding them to overcome the human sufferance that we all must experience.
God’s Kingdom and His divine design are based upon the spirit and ministry of reconciliation. The faithful spiritually gifted follower of the Messiah will embrace the spirit of reconciliation as its tutor and heavenly wisdom of God in the area of truth, justice, and forgiveness within the life of His very own. To be yoked supernaturally and existentialistically to our victorious Christ grants God people relational healing for the entire soul.
Some Interesting Aspects of Reconciliation
- It is God who brings about reconciliation through humanity, the very recipients of His saving grace in action. Paul in 2 Cor. 5:17-20 is communicating this, only God can see the entirety of the effects of wrongdoing and division. Thus, those who are working out their soul salvation daily, are effective reconcilers to the extent to which they are open to and fully participate in God’s activity.
- God’s reconciliation begins with the victim rather than the perpetrator. This seems in direct contrast to what common sense or even social custom dictates. “It is through the victim who can forgive by God’s grace, that reconciliation with the perpetrator occurs”.
- God takes all parties to a new place at the moment of reconciliation. Each party leaves behind part of the pain of the past and forges into new directions. One is not devoid of the past, however, the past does not continue to define or enslave those reconciled.
- In the story of Christ, we may find new meaning and a “pattern for our suffering”. Jesus’ life and death provide the locus by which we may find meaning in our suffering.
- And finally, all parties must understand that ultimately full reconciliation will happen in the future, and we will be one with God and each other fully in eternity. As fragmented living souls, until eternity, we must continue to open ourselves to God’s grace of healing with the knowledge and maturity of awareness that all is only truly reconciled in eternity as He promises.
[In this above section on aspects of reconciliation, I am grateful for the research of Debbie Armenta: The Spirituality and Spiritual Practices of the Minister of Reconciliation Within the Context of Christian Reconciliation Ministry. The above points where the lecture notes of Robert J. Schreiter, Reconciliation: Mission and Ministry in a Changing Social Order]
Grace and Peace
Brother Alonzo